Scottish grudge match: Groundskeeper Willie vs. Scotty

Oh, the things Twitter can bring on.

It started with a throwaway reference to Groundskeeper Willie, and, well … how do you gauge Scottish greatness? The criteria can’t help but be totally arbitrary.

(Och. A whacking great tin o’ worms, this.) 

But on reflection, Springfield Elementary’s redoubtable custodian must yield to the Chief Engineer of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Consider:

Round 1: Drinking

Groundskeeper Willie: Once opened a bottle of Buckfast in the library.


Scotty: Put a carpetbagging, shape-shifting alien right under the table.


Advantage: Scotty.

Round 2: Fisticuffs

Groundskeeper Willie: Subdued a wolf. Barehanded.


Scotty: Started a bar fight with a room full of Klingons.


Advantage: Groundskeeper Willie.

Round 3: Engineering expertise

Groundskeeper Willie: Unclogged a toilet. Barehanded.


Scotty:  … Really? Why are we even discussing this?


Winner: Scotty.

Not even close.

Ladies and gentlemen, television’s greatest Scotsman: Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott.

There may well be other criteria (thrift? poetry? Poor diet?), but this was just a one-off. I’m sure there are those out there who will differ. Bring it on.

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